Tuesday, April 2, 2013
I Wrote A Letter To Ryan Gosling
Sometimes, when the inspiration strikes I write letters to people or places. Today's inspiration was brought about by an open position at my office, and my daydream fantasy that Ryan Gosling will fill it. I wrote him this letter clearly in fun, but it's my hope that he'll at the very least send me a signed headshot.
Dear Ryan Gosling,
I'm writing to you in earnest- this is a sensitive and very important matter that needs your expedient and thoughtful consideration. If this letter does not find you at a convenient moment, please set it aside for a time when you have more than just a few minutes to spare.
I work for a small company in [Town Name], PA. It sounds like a boring place simply because it's in Pennsylvania, and usually it is, but it is a beautiful, quaint town with a lot of history. The company I work for recently lost its receptionist (to nothing morbid, I assure you; only to brighter opportunities in The Big Apple) and we are in dire need of a replacement.
It is my hope that you will submit your resume for this position and come on board for what will likely be the Role of a Lifetime. Your daily tasks would include ordering office supplies, scanning documents, and generally spreading charm and cheer throughout the building. Although none of the past roles I have seen you in would have imparted the necessary skills to come into this position, I am confident that with a little coaching you will flourish.
I have specifically written to you, Ryan Gosling, because our HR Director is a determined and opinionated woman that needs to be charmed. We have monthly potlucks and while she gives the illusion of being open to other's suggestions concerning the menu, the final decision is always her's and it's never what anyone else wants. It is my expectation that if a strapping young man with glittering eyes and a sparkling smile suggested, say, tacos, she would drop her insistence on eating lasagna in an instant.
In the vernacular one might say, "first world problems".
If you are interested, please send your resume to me with cover letter attached, as well as three professional references. A background check may be required at the time of hire.
Please, Ryan Gosling, we need you. Help us regain the power and eat the food we enjoy! In the infamous and echoing words of Princess Leia, "you are our only hope". Contained in this letter are pictures of things, as well as a mix tape that I made for you as an anticipatory signing bonus.
You are undoubtedly curious to know what songs I put on his mix tape. Consider your curiosity satiated.
1. Neutral Milk Hotel - Holland, 1945
2. Oasis - She's Electric
3. No Doubt - Don't Speak
4. Wilco - I Might
5. The White Stripes - Hello Operator
6. Tom Waits - Bad As Me
7. Ryan Adams - Defenders Of The Galaxy
8. Radiohead - Where I End And You Begin
9. mewithoutyou - The Fox, The Crow And The Cookie
10. Manchester Orchestra - 100 Dollars
11. M.Ward - One Hundred Million Years
12. Elliot Smith - Memory Lane
13. Eddie Vedder - Cant Keep
14. Dr. Dog - My Friend
15. Bright Eyes - Another Travelin Song